Math is fun. Math is beautiful.

I apologize in advance. I will try not to laugh maniacally or melt into a puddle of smugness. It will be difficult, but I will try. A little.

Guess what I got on my math final?

Guess!

I'll give you a hint - it raised my grade 3 percent. Three percent.

I got 101!

As in the number of Dalmations.

I guess it should be a bit sad that this is really happy news for me. But it isn't. This definetely ranks on one of the list of Best Things That Have Happened to Me This School Year. Maybe number 4, or number 5. I have yet to actually make the list.

Finally. Finally, finally finally. I got 101 on the final. I have an A in math. It doesn't even matter that it won't show up on my high school transcript. Because when I go to college I'll laugh maniacally and shove my college transcript with my A [and B...] in everyone's faces. Then I will be sad because everyone will hate me.

Finally. I actually feel smart now. [It's wierd, how much you identify with what you're good at. Except when it fails. It's hard to continue believing that you're a good student if you can't even get good grades.]

I studied. Actually, that's not what I'm particularly proud of. I did study, in a cursory sort of way. But what the trick is, more than studying, is the ability to think when it really matters. And I'm happy, because finally, I did this. I probably went over both tests [it was a two-day final] five or six times, because the first time around only a few problems made sense. But relax, think, organize your mind, figure out what you know and what you need to find...

My math teacher is right. All of my math teachers from the past three years were right. Math is beautiful. Calculus is beautiful.

And now my excitement has worn off, and I'm slightly embarassed that after a long hiatus I have written another post about math.

Guess what?

I found this out yesterday.

And I still laugh/cry when I think about it.

Just listen to music - I am

Because my work ethic sucks...
Because I have to do my math homework right now. Again.
Because my brains are scrambled...
Because apparently the closer you get to me the more likely that the first impression of being intelligent turns into eccentricity....

I suggest that you go to youtube and listen to "Thunder" by Boys Like Girls. And while you're at it, look up "Forever Young" by Jay Z.

It pretty much sums up whatever it is I have to say without relying too much on my clumsy syntax.

I want to trade my heart for another brain.

Titleless because I'm just a number

This system of starving through the ap test then stuffing self with junk food from Jack in the Box isn't doing wonders for my health. Or sanity. Or sense of balance. I'm glad it's over.

But they were pretty fun, in retrospect. Maybe, just maybe, my essay writing can finally be deemed "good."

It would make me really happy.

A symphony of disagreeing body parts

I've always wondered at my lack of personality. Basically all I do is read, eat, study, sleep, and play bubble spinner.

I understand now. My personality isn't out there, in the real world. Perhaps this conversation that I had before and during ap testing will explain.

Car ride.
Mom: I got you sushi!
Me: No thanks.
Stomach: No. No sushi, please. I can't take it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm about to barf.
Mom: Cookies?
Me: No thanks. Maybe later.
Stomach: I want to toss my cookies...
Heart: OMG OMG I REALLY WANT A 5 BUT I WON'T GET ONE.
Brain: Lenses. Burning point. p,q, kq over r square. Zen. You can do this you can do this.
Bladder: Um...guys?

At Testing Center.
Mom: Good luck!
Me:*smiles weakly*
Heart: Doppler effect. dadadadadadadadada
Brain: I wonder if AP Bio has gotten out yet? No? Yes? Hm...there are clumps of people outside the door. I really hope you're not late.
Stomach: I really hope we can find a trash can.
Bladder: :) There's a toilet in there!
Brain: kq over r squared kqover r squared..okay. I know that. Do I know anything else? Nope.
Me: *Wading over to the corner of the room near a bunch of backpacks squished on a plastic table.* Hi.
Brain: Study time! :)
Heart: Doppler effect. DA DA DA
Person: *studying*
Me: *studying*
Brain: *studying*
Heart: *people watching*

During Testing.
Brain: Hey, this isn't too bad...I think I can do this. No I can't. Yes...well...meeeeh....poop.
Stomach: Hm...I think I kinda want food...
Heart: I think I kinda want to stalk prom pictures.
Brain: Think think think think. Hm. I'm thinking about thinking but actually I'm not doing any thinking.
Stomach: Food?
Eyelid: *twitch*
Stomach: I seriously want some food now.
Brain: Be quiet.
Hand: Hey, brain? ...I wanna bubble. Are you going to solve these problems or not?
Brain: You too.
Stomach: FOOOD
Brain: SHUT UP.
Stomach: *grumble*

Breaktime:
Stomach: Food?
Hand: Bank cookie. Here.
Brain: Hm...am I going to be thirsty later?
Stomach: Hungry.
Brain: Fine.

Testing, part two.
Brain: Crap. I don't know how to do the first problem.
Mouth: I taste wierd.
Brain: Kinematics should be the easiest problem.
Throat: I'm thirsty.
Brain: I don't know how to find heat transfer. Or x or theta.
Heart: I DON' WANNA FAIL.
Brain: Gr....
Stomach: *growl*

Good grief. I hope I can't always be persuaded so quickly.

prom makes me want to cry

Prom is supposedly the zenith of every girl's life. That's really depressing. Prom makes me think about how old I'm getting. It makes me think about people pairing up and leaving. It makes me think about the future, which I think about more and more, and less about the past, which I'm mired in.

I want to go to prom but I'm afraid of what it represents. I want to go but it's not something I'll be able to go to easily. I'm fearless, excited, even, about the AP tests that are coming up within the week. They're fun and I like them. But if I go to prom I'll probably die of stress. I don't understand.

I hate it when I look at a guy and I lose track of my thoughts. I hate this bizarre focus on relationships, this tunnel vision that tunes out everyone else except for the significant other. I see couples walking through the school, and they are just a couple and no one else. Where are their friends? DON'T THEY SEE that there's plenty of time for that LATER? Okay, so prom isn't entirely about relationships, but it's mrrrhhhskft and trrpapd and durf.

This post is probably incoherent. There are just no words to describe this. It's like a tumbleweed of negative emotions and hormones and crap. My English teacher was right. Teenagers are too damn hormonal. I probably should see a doctor. Or I could just read a psycology book. Yeah. That's what I'll do. During prom night.