Circles and no math and mind

By my posts I'd conclude that I haven't hit any highs or lows in a while. That's probably true. For the most part I've been stuck at a static state of restless indifference. Almost an oxymoron.

I've just been chewing at some questions, which seem to continue in a circular pattern around my head where there are no conclusions but a tangle of hypotheses and half-formed theories based on postulates that are questionable at best.

Faking until you make it...it's just manipulation of self-efficacy, isn't it?

Playing your own game is sketchy

I feel like I ought to do something. Something more useful than listening to music, solving a rubik's cube over and over, checking on my virtual reality games. There's scrapbooking to be done, college essays to be written, pictures to be taken for my mom. It's not much, but somehow I'm managing to do none of them. I don't dread the day I become productive - it's actually an exhilarating feeling - I just can't seem to stop doing nothing. So I'm blogging, while other people have internships and volunteering hours and work experience. This is the problem, isn't it? In golf, one of the things that all my coaches agreed on was that it was important not to worry about how everyone else was doing. It was important to just focus on one's own game. The competition isn't with everyone else, but with oneself.

Hm. There must be a much more eloquent way to word that.

Just focus inward?

No, I don't think it has to be a narrow, steely eyed concentration. It's not quite complacency either. It's almost a simultaneous awknowledgement of the situation tinged with quite indifference tempered with a clear objective. Being, I guess, "in the zone." Except with memory. Consciousness. And not in sports.

I'd wanted to do one of these

To the owner of the red minivan,

It is bad enough that the cars in front of me have already cleared out, despite the fact that the sign clearly says "Speed Limit 45 mph" and I am already pushing 50. Then you have to have your car lurk so close to mine, as if you are rushing to be at the side of your wife and your firstborn, only you can't, because I am trying to keep the car from veering out of control. I understand that I may be keeping you from a kodak moment, but I just can't stand it when you look at me like that. I am a very fragile person. With a very fragile driving confidence.

Sincerely,

Two-month old teen driver